17 days you will be 27 can’t help but think about the last time we connected she told you what happened & you tore the house up asking who & why but still left with no answer too ashamed to tell you the other day I had a dream about it I know the person was a substitute maybe they all are & really I’ve been searching for you….there’s a doubt in me & there’s a hope in me …can you really survive this? we know loss to well I’ve lost you a few times this time seems different you’re finally consistent with disappearing maybe you are who I got that bad habit from too distance too closed in but open enough to feel like I’m there but never really am…sometimes you call & I can’t make myself answer just to hear your voice shakes me than I realize that you are not here that breaks me …
maybe you find comfort
because that is what home looks like to you…
I understand alone time
I understand not wanting to talk about how you are feeling at a certain moment
I understand boundaries
I understand balance
I see your scars
I see your heart
I see how you contradict yourself trying to convince yourself that you’re not ready for love when in reality you are just afraid that love will leave you again…
but you pushing love away will make it leave….
you denying love existing will allow it to not exist in your life no matter how much someone wants to love you… no one is going to allow you to make them your own personal punching bag …
they do not deserve it not being loved
& You deserve love so please let it in..
afraid that I’ll give my body away to someone that won’t understand that allowing you to have me after trauma is a battle every kiss , every touch , every time you dig deep inside me
I want to accept your flaws
I want to know you
I want to cherish every moment
I don’t want toxicity
I don’t want lies & deceit
I want truth & growing
I want acception & knowing
She will never love you because she has loved someone who has the same blood as you. He has felt her toss & turned inside her & left a mark. You’ve never kissed or made love but the way you look at her tells it all. He is in love with someone that doesn’t love him back & why does she have to be me. I’ve never been the one to break hearts but what I’ve done to you is like premeditated murder
I want to love you like I never loved anyone before I am taking my time to master it. I want to know you in to out every particle. The goal is to love you unconditionally. It isn’t impossible for me even if you make a fool out of me I’ll still be happy. If I love you how I’ll want to be loved that would be progress. I am easy to run , easy to not forgive & forget. I don’t want to love you conditional but the way God loves us unconditionally.
…isn’t it amazing how a horrible situation can turn into the best outcome…how this caterpillar of a man will be in this man made cocoon & God willing he will become a butterfly one day soon..